Saturday, February 27, 2021

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From the Sea with love






9 comments:

  1. Hey David! I liked your introduction story about how Oceanus met Mariana :) I think you did a great job showing Mariana's fragility and blissful ignorance of the outside world. I don't know about the story of Oceanus, so the opener was a dramatic entrance and immediately caught my attention. It also begged some questions for new readers about what led up to that. I think it would be neat if you incorporated some flashbacks or thoughts going through Oceanus' head about what had just happened while he's falling toward the earth. The second paragraph took a couple times reading through it to understand what was going on. It felt like he was asleep then awake then asleep again, and then awake? I think a lot of the sentences, especially in the first two paragraphs, would be a lot clearer with some grammar corrections. A comma here, a period there, I think would split the ideas and make the intro overall go from slightly blurry to in-focus :) Good work!

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  2. Hey David!
    I read your introduction and your story is so creative! I like that you mix both Greek mythology and bring it into the modern world while making it sounds like it was made in ancient Greece. I like that you created this goddess Mariana, goddess of the deep sea from Pontus, the primordial god of the sea, and Nyx, primordial goddess of night. I like the layout of your project site and your use of pictures to convey imagery. I'm not familiar with who Oceanus is but assuming by his name, he was a former god of the ocean. What if you elaborate on what a Thassalomachy is? It is a fancy word that I am not familiar with either. The way you use descriptive words like so cold like a glacier and battered and bruised helps me visualize the story. Overall, I don't have much suggestions besides elaborating on some parts like Thassalomachy and who Oceanus is.

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  3. Hi David! I really liked how the beginning of your Introduction throws us straight into the middle of the action so that we have no idea what's going on at first. It definitely made the story catch my attention, and kept me reading to find out what would happen next. I also thought your writing style was both ominous and lyrical, which left me with a sense of foreboding by the end. There were a few parts of your story that I still didn't fully understand by the end of the Introduction. For example, I don't know why Oceanus and Poseidon are at odds with each other, and I'm not sure if Oceanus is a god or not. Perhaps some additional information in a few parts like that would be helpful to catch me up to speed on the story? It seems like Oceanus is a complex character who isn't a "good guy," so I'm excited to read more about how he interacts with Mariana in new additions to your Storybook!

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  4. Hi David,
    I love the welcome sentence that you put on the home page. It helped draw me to your story since I love to read about the sea or just look at pictures. Your introduction was written really well and love how you use the images to help create the picture for what is happening. I do not really know anything about greek mythology and never have heard of the gods and goddesses you mentioned. With that being said your introduction has really made me want to look into it more. I definitely will be coming back to your story to read more on it and see how your story progresses throughout the semester. I am also wondering what a Thassalomachy is? I have never heard of that word before. As mentioned above I also love how you started in the middle of an action scene because it instantly draws you in and makes you wonder what happened and is going to happen next.

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  5. Hey David,
    Wow your introduction is one of my favorites so far. I really enjoyed the images and the aesthetic of your portfolio tie together well with the story 'Meeting Mariana'. I think you did a great job of using mythology to write this story. Where did the inspiration behind using Greek mythology in your story come from? One of my favorites to reference is Percy Jackson it was one of the first films where I learned of Greek mythology. One question I had towards the end was Oceanus potting a thassalomachy, I didn't quite understand what that was, can you explain? What if when of if you continue this story Mariana finds out about Oceanus plans or Poseidon. Also, what if on your story page you add a text box with your authors notes, it always good to elaborate where your story derives. It allows the reader to better understand your story. Overall, this was really nice. Keep up the great work!

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  6. Hello, David. I really how each of your sentences has so much action in it. There's something otherworldly about your story. Reading was like reading a big something and nothing at the same time. Maybe that's what it's like to be in the ocean all by yourself.

    I do feel as though I need some kind of author's note to tell me where I am in this story. I think you have a great start at the beginning, and you may not want to break up the immersion of your story, so you could possibly put some explanation on the home page.

    Some of your sentences could be better served with some more commas and conjunctions. I felt a little out of breath at times because of the length and structure. But maybe that's your style, and I'm just not used to it.

    I like the way you made use of images. I'm not a visual person, so I never care about doing it myself too much, but it really does help. Good job, David.

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    Replies
    1. *I really like.
      *Reading it was like reading.

      I'm sorry, David.

      Delete
  7. Hi David! I just came from reading your project introduction! First off I should say that I think the decision to jump right into the story is a good choice, and you do a good job of revealing details that introduce your reader to the subject at hand while maintaining interest.

    "He didn't know the voice but it was cold, not the type of cold that made one fearful but the enchanting type of cold one experiences being inside a glacier." The use of descriptive imagery here literally gives me the chills! Wow, great job! You maintain this throughout your story, and it really makes it pop!

    I like the twist of Oceanus manipulating Mariana, it adds an element of drama to the introduction and makes me want to keep reading! Using her weakness to gain power for himself - good play Oceanus. And Mariana is oh so clueless to his motives... poor girl!

    Speaking of Oceanus's motives, why was Oceanus trying to take back the ocean from Poseidon. You do a good job of explaining his motives towards Mariana but you could take it a step further and give some of the back story there and help your reader truly comprehend the situation.

    I also must say I really enjoy the use of images in your story, it really brings a lot of your descriptors to life. Great job!

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  8. Hey David!
    I enjoyed reading your introduction story! I think you did a great job at setting up Mariana’s character and giving context for how Oceanus would manipulate her into helping him. I’m not familiar with Oceanus or Mariana, so this was definitely an interested introduction to both. As a whole, I think the story does a great job at giving us context for what is happening with Oceanus and what he is planning. At the end, however, you mention that Oceanus was plotting a “Thassalomachy”. I’m not familiar with what that is and might be something you elaborate on for other unfamiliar readers. I wonder why, in the beginning, the oceans did not recognize Oceanus. Was this because Poseidon had already taken control of the seas? One way to answer those questions without needing to modify your story could be with an author’s note. I’m not sure if I’m just missing it or not, but I don’t see one on the website.

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