Saturday, February 27, 2021

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From the Sea with love


  1. Hey David! I liked your introduction story about how Oceanus met Mariana :) I think you did a great job showing Mariana's fragility and blissful ignorance of the outside world. I don't know about the story of Oceanus, so the opener was a dramatic entrance and immediately caught my attention. It also begged some questions for new readers about what led up to that. I think it would be neat if you incorporated some flashbacks or thoughts going through Oceanus' head about what had just happened while he's falling toward the earth. The second paragraph took a couple times reading through it to understand what was going on. It felt like he was asleep then awake then asleep again, and then awake? I think a lot of the sentences, especially in the first two paragraphs, would be a lot clearer with some grammar corrections. A comma here, a period there, I think would split the ideas and make the intro overall go from slightly blurry to in-focus :) Good work!

  2. Hey David!
    I read your introduction and your story is so creative! I like that you mix both Greek mythology and bring it into the modern world while making it sounds like it was made in ancient Greece. I like that you created this goddess Mariana, goddess of the deep sea from Pontus, the primordial god of the sea, and Nyx, primordial goddess of night. I like the layout of your project site and your use of pictures to convey imagery. I'm not familiar with who Oceanus is but assuming by his name, he was a former god of the ocean. What if you elaborate on what a Thassalomachy is? It is a fancy word that I am not familiar with either. The way you use descriptive words like so cold like a glacier and battered and bruised helps me visualize the story. Overall, I don't have much suggestions besides elaborating on some parts like Thassalomachy and who Oceanus is.

  3. Hi David! I really liked how the beginning of your Introduction throws us straight into the middle of the action so that we have no idea what's going on at first. It definitely made the story catch my attention, and kept me reading to find out what would happen next. I also thought your writing style was both ominous and lyrical, which left me with a sense of foreboding by the end. There were a few parts of your story that I still didn't fully understand by the end of the Introduction. For example, I don't know why Oceanus and Poseidon are at odds with each other, and I'm not sure if Oceanus is a god or not. Perhaps some additional information in a few parts like that would be helpful to catch me up to speed on the story? It seems like Oceanus is a complex character who isn't a "good guy," so I'm excited to read more about how he interacts with Mariana in new additions to your Storybook!

  4. Hi David,
    I love the welcome sentence that you put on the home page. It helped draw me to your story since I love to read about the sea or just look at pictures. Your introduction was written really well and love how you use the images to help create the picture for what is happening. I do not really know anything about greek mythology and never have heard of the gods and goddesses you mentioned. With that being said your introduction has really made me want to look into it more. I definitely will be coming back to your story to read more on it and see how your story progresses throughout the semester. I am also wondering what a Thassalomachy is? I have never heard of that word before. As mentioned above I also love how you started in the middle of an action scene because it instantly draws you in and makes you wonder what happened and is going to happen next.

  5. Hey David,
    Wow your introduction is one of my favorites so far. I really enjoyed the images and the aesthetic of your portfolio tie together well with the story 'Meeting Mariana'. I think you did a great job of using mythology to write this story. Where did the inspiration behind using Greek mythology in your story come from? One of my favorites to reference is Percy Jackson it was one of the first films where I learned of Greek mythology. One question I had towards the end was Oceanus potting a thassalomachy, I didn't quite understand what that was, can you explain? What if when of if you continue this story Mariana finds out about Oceanus plans or Poseidon. Also, what if on your story page you add a text box with your authors notes, it always good to elaborate where your story derives. It allows the reader to better understand your story. Overall, this was really nice. Keep up the great work!

  6. Hello, David. I really how each of your sentences has so much action in it. There's something otherworldly about your story. Reading was like reading a big something and nothing at the same time. Maybe that's what it's like to be in the ocean all by yourself.

    I do feel as though I need some kind of author's note to tell me where I am in this story. I think you have a great start at the beginning, and you may not want to break up the immersion of your story, so you could possibly put some explanation on the home page.

    Some of your sentences could be better served with some more commas and conjunctions. I felt a little out of breath at times because of the length and structure. But maybe that's your style, and I'm just not used to it.

    I like the way you made use of images. I'm not a visual person, so I never care about doing it myself too much, but it really does help. Good job, David.

    1. *I really like.
      *Reading it was like reading.

      I'm sorry, David.

  7. Hi David! I just came from reading your project introduction! First off I should say that I think the decision to jump right into the story is a good choice, and you do a good job of revealing details that introduce your reader to the subject at hand while maintaining interest.

    "He didn't know the voice but it was cold, not the type of cold that made one fearful but the enchanting type of cold one experiences being inside a glacier." The use of descriptive imagery here literally gives me the chills! Wow, great job! You maintain this throughout your story, and it really makes it pop!

    I like the twist of Oceanus manipulating Mariana, it adds an element of drama to the introduction and makes me want to keep reading! Using her weakness to gain power for himself - good play Oceanus. And Mariana is oh so clueless to his motives... poor girl!

    Speaking of Oceanus's motives, why was Oceanus trying to take back the ocean from Poseidon. You do a good job of explaining his motives towards Mariana but you could take it a step further and give some of the back story there and help your reader truly comprehend the situation.

    I also must say I really enjoy the use of images in your story, it really brings a lot of your descriptors to life. Great job!

  8. Hey David!
    I enjoyed reading your introduction story! I think you did a great job at setting up Mariana’s character and giving context for how Oceanus would manipulate her into helping him. I’m not familiar with Oceanus or Mariana, so this was definitely an interested introduction to both. As a whole, I think the story does a great job at giving us context for what is happening with Oceanus and what he is planning. At the end, however, you mention that Oceanus was plotting a “Thassalomachy”. I’m not familiar with what that is and might be something you elaborate on for other unfamiliar readers. I wonder why, in the beginning, the oceans did not recognize Oceanus. Was this because Poseidon had already taken control of the seas? One way to answer those questions without needing to modify your story could be with an author’s note. I’m not sure if I’m just missing it or not, but I don’t see one on the website.

  9. Hey David,
    This is my first time revisiting your project since March and I think at the time you only had an introduction so you have made a lot of progress. You have added two stories and this week we are focusing on paragraphing and you did a great job with your new stories. I think the way your paragraphs are spaced do well in helping the pace of the reading. It also does well in following in the flow. The way your paragraphs are styled definitely worked for me and my favorite story is Beneath the Marconesian waves. I am actually a big fan of the Lightning Thief and the debut you gave was really great. I like how you used the story to setup a story for the future, I'm doing the same thing currently for my project. I look forward to seeing what will happen with Poseidon and I definitely want to see his progression with his forces at hand. Have a great rest of the semester, keep up the great work!

  10. Hey David!
    This is the first time I've stumbled upon your story and I just wanted to say nicely done! I really enjoyed all of your stories but this week we need to focus on the paragraph layouts so I'll focus on that! The way you had your writing laid out was perfect in my opinion! Paragraphs would end and begin at great places where there was a change in a thought or place, and the spaces between the lines made the read easier overall. Especially in your third story, I really like how there were two separate columns of paragraphs. It made the page feel very clean and professional. Overall very nice job and I look forward to reading more!

  11. Hi David!
    I really enjoyed reading the stories in your Storybook! I like that the Introduction kind of throws you into the deep end, and you do not really know what is going on at first. I also really liked your illustrations! They definitely brought something to the story. I was a little confused at some points, and I think having an author’s note explaining what you are doing in the introduction would make it easier to understand what you were going for. This week, we are supposed to be critiquing the way you paragraphed your stories. I think that your paragraphs were pretty good! They were not so short that everything seemed choppy, and they were not so long that everything got boring. I think that you chose a really good topic to do your Storybook on, and I really liked reading the stories that you included in it!

  12. Hi David!
    I love your storybook so far - the idea is wonderful and really well executed, and your author's notes have done a great job at explaining a good deal of the material you're working with - I particularly appreciate all the sources you reference. And honestly I would have to agree with Cady, I think your paragraphing is working really well. The only thing is that I prefer to have paragraph breaks between bits of dialogue - it helps to provide a visual cue as well as a verbal one as to when the speaker changes.
    Also, it's not related to paragraphing, but there's a bit in your first story: "the equilibrium of seven seas is in jeopardy" - I'm really looking forward to seeing how you expand upon this element of equilibrium throughout the rest of the storybook! Equilibrium is such a fruitful concept to play with, especially when it comes to the sea! Is this at all related to the title of the storybook as well?

  13. Hi David! I have not had a chance to read your portfolio until now, but I have to say I am very satisfied with your ending result! I really liked the set up of the "Beneath the Marconesian Waves" page the best. The side by side format was very pleasing to read. The other pages were still very good looking, but that one in particular stood out to me. Your dialogue was great and your descriptions were what made reading your story so fun. It took me a minute to connect that this was a story relating to Percy Jackson. This is simply because I have not read any of those books or stories before. You kept me wanting to read more! Overall, great job on your portfolio David! I am glad I chose your project to be the last one I read in this class! I wish you the best of luck in the future!

  14. Choosing the sea as a topic was a pretty cool choice! Poseidon is definitely one of my favorite greek gods. I've always loved the ocean and stories about it. I think that you did an excellent job of portraying it. Introducing Percy Jackson in as a character in the story was really clever. I really like how you portrayed him in these stories. One thing that I did notice was that the dialogue was kind of confusing to read in some places because there were multiple people talking in the same paragraph. You might want to seperate it into different paragraphs every time the speaker changes. Other than that, though, great work!


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